June 15th, 2010 was the day I fell in love with my babies for the first time. I'm talking the deepest of deep love you can feel. Moms, you know what I'm talking about. This love was instantaneous and gripping from the very second I saw the word "pregnant" on those little digital pee sticks. This love consumed every square inch of my body, my heart and my soul. On June 20, 2010, the day I found out I was pregnant with twins, was the day I felt true fear for the first time. Not because I was pregnant with twins (lol), but because of automatic super high risk of my pregnancy and because of the very real possibility of losing one or both of our babies. After struggling for almost a year and a half to even get pregnant and dealing with the "loss" that I felt every month, I couldn't imagine the pain that I would endure if I had to face the sobering reality of losing my baby or babies. I remember any time I even thought about it, my already puffy eyes became swollen with big tears because I couldn't even bear thinking about it. Very morbid, I know, but also very real.
Fortunately, as you know, I was blessed with the ability to carry my boys to 35 weeks 5 days and deliver them via emergency c-section a little more than a month before they were due. By the grace of God, they only spent 3 days in the NICU and are now in great health and thriving. I am aware that this is the result of many prayers and the works of God through out the duration of my pregnancy. Every day, I look at my little guys and thank God for their tiny souls and how fulfilled my life is with them in it.
Some of you know that when I was about 27 weeks pregnant, I was shopping at Costco with my Mom and sister the day before my baby shower and I slipped and fell on their concrete floors. I hit the left side of my belly on one of their food court benches. Aside from losing my pregnancy all together, one of my biggest fears was falling. You can only imagine what was going through my head as I sat there on that cold concrete floor waiting for the paramedics to arrive. I was taken to the hospital and monitored for several hours to make sure my babies were safe and sound. Although this shook my to my inner most core, I knew it was a reminder of just how precious life is, and how lucky I am to have the privilege to incubate two lives at the same time, all while this miracle was happening inside of me.
I know that I am blessed to have two beautiful, healthy and lively baby boys. I also know that there are others around me who have had to travel a much more challenging path. I know in my future, the outcome may not be as planned, but one thing I rest my hope on is the fact the God is great and God is good. God is faithful and God hears my prayers. He knows my heart and he knows my path before I walk. I will continue to put my faith in God regardless of the challenges that lay ahead of me because they are what shape who I am.
For now, I continue to thank the Lord that my cup runneth over...
Have you dealt with loss??
How were you able to grieve and move through it??
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